Do real moms really manage to clean baseboards and dust ceiling fans weekly? The answer is – come over to my house and see for yourself. Or no. The answer is no.
Recently, I had a repairman pull my oven out from my wall, and discovered a hidden treasure trove of dust balls, crusty hardened peas from the pea explosion of 2014, and a bracelet I bought for my daughter on a vacation to Yellowstone. I thought to myself, “Hey! That’s cleaner than my air vents in my floor where all kinds of mysteries lie.”
I’ve lived in my house three and a half years and I’ve never cleaned behind the oven. But, I’m not ashamed of my mediocrity anymore. I see those cute cleaning schedules to help you stay on top of your chores in 20 minutes a day or less, and I’ll raise you a caked on stovetop and a fridge with too many fingerprints for a crime scene unit.
Since I live in real reality, and not pinterest reality, I decided to create a cleaning guide all moms can get behind. For your convenience I’ve broken it up into a schedule that is manageable.
TO DO DAILY:
*close bedroom doors to your kids’ rooms so you forget how messy they are
*do a smell check for urine in the bathroom
*soak dishes in soapy water so it appears you’re going to clean them.
*let the dog clean up crumbs on floor (get dog if you don’t have one)
*throw papers/mail into a basket to open in 3 weeks.
*pick up all stuff on the floors and shove them in a closet.
*Threaten to take away all toys forever.
TO DO WEEKLY:
*Look under couch cushions for lost food
*Do a smell check of your car looking for sippy cups, and rotting milk products.
*Consider washing sheets but leave them in the washing machine rotting for 3 days.
*Pile your recycling next to overflowing trash cans.
*If you can still see yourself in your mirrors, don’t worry about cleaning them.
*Swip a clorox wipe across a few surfaces in your bathroom.
*Consider dusting. Just laugh instead.
*See if you remember where your vacuum is
TO DO MONTHLY:
*Consider burning house down because you’re too far behind.
*Spend an entire day cleaning and forbid your children to come home.
*Cry again when they have to come home to eat and sleep.
*Repeat all steps until you die.
You’re welcome. Feel free to pin.
Or watch my handy guide to a clean house, right here.
Meredith Ethington is a freelance writer, and has been blogging about real life parenting for about 10 years. She’s excited to announce her new book coming out in the fall, Perfection Pending: A Real Mom’s Guide to Life. She loves encouraging moms to be themselves, and embrace the messy parts of parenting. She has been called one of the funniest parents to follow on FB and is a staff writer for Scary Mommy and a regular contributor at Babble. If you’d like to hire Meredith to write for your site, please contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org. And make sure to sign up for her newsletter here so you don’t miss a thing.