I’ve gotta be honest about something: I hate cooking and always have. It’s messy, it’s time-consuming, it’s stressful (for me, anyway), and the finished product always tastes a little like overcooked cardboard. It’s true, just ask my kids.
This isn’t a call for recipes. Seriously, thank you, but no thank you. There isn’t a fail-proof, easy-to-make crockpot recipe on the planet that will stop me from being a walking disaster in the kitchen.
And according to these 20 hilarious tweets, there are A LOT of parents who can relate.
1. I have that recipe, too.
I don't cook, but I do have a recipe for disaster.
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) January 8, 2014
2. But, to be honest, recipes aren’t really my thing.
I don't follow recipes. I don't like people telling me what to do.
— Marlebean (@Marlebean) September 29, 2012
3. Because I am not great at following directions.
1. Read directions on box.
2. Throw box away.
3. Pull box out of the trash 15 seconds later.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) October 25, 2015
4. Unless the directions are like really, really easy.
Other moms giving cooking instructions for their favorite dish: Thaw the roast and let it sit in the marinade you've prepared overnight…
Me: Put the Hot Pocket in the microwavable sleeve…
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) February 27, 2018
5. In all honesty, I really shouldn’t be trusted in the kitchen.
If I had my own cooking show, it would be me being reminded by my producer every episode that I left the gas burner on.
— Meredith (@PerfectPending) January 5, 2017
6. Things will definitely burn.
"Calm down! I'm just cooking!" I yell at the beeping smoke detector while dancing around the kitchen waving a towel.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) April 18, 2016
7. Say it with me, “Ewwwwwwwww.”
People are always wondering why the hamburgers I cook on my BBQ smell like burnt arm hair.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) May 23, 2012
8. And the kids might actually gag (or pretend to).
When I spend hours cooking healthy meals my kids like to say thank you Mommy by making gagging noises & crying.
— Karen Johnson (@21stcenturysahm) August 7, 2017
9. Thanks for the vote of confidence, kids.
Found the 6y.o’s note to self following dinner (chili).
Translation: “Why is my mom’s food so weird; I mean, LOOK at it.”
My cooking now results in hate mail. pic.twitter.com/A4YwGIxrxb
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) December 2, 2017
10. It’s like they have no faith in my cooking skills.
I haven’t even started cooking & my kids have already asked for “something other than what you’re making” for dinner.
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) November 27, 2017
11. Sometimes I even think they’re scared.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” – my 8yo when I said I was going to start making dinner
— SpacedMom (@copymama) February 28, 2018
12. I guess I can’t really blame them.
If you like being told on a daily basis that your cooking is horrible, then kids are totally for you.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 25, 2017
13. They’ve seen me in action, after all.
My daughter watched me cook dinner for the family last night and then gave me her expert opinion:
“You’re horrible at this!”
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) March 8, 2018
14. I really am that bad.
My 3-year-old learned to push the buttons on the microwave.
She can officially cook as well as me.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 15, 2017
15. I don’t even own all the cooking thingies.
My cooking show is 15 min of me digging in a drawer looking for a potato peeler & 10 min staring at the pantry wondering if I own paprika.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) September 22, 2017
16. The good news is my kids keep their expectations pretty low.
My kids talk about Lunchables as though they were prepared my Michelin star chefs so now you know what kind of cook I am.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) April 8, 2015
17. I keep mine pretty low, too.
As a stay at home parent, I am dedicated to cooking my family gourmet meals made from only the finest canned condensed soups.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) September 29, 2017
18. Let’s just say cereal is one of our favorite meals.
— 39ish Life (@39ishlife) February 26, 2018
19. Still, some appreciation would be nice.
It's weird how when my kids try to say:
Thank you for making us dinner, Mom!
It comes out:
Ugh, this again?
— Karen Johnson (@21stcenturysahm) November 6, 2016
20. Since this is literally the last thing in the world I want to be doing.
Nothing's better than a home cooked meal, unless it's literally any meal that I didn't cook.
— Molly England (@bluebonetbabies) April 25, 2017
Or should be doing.
Lauren Lodder earned her BA from UC Berkeley and her MA from CSUF. Before becoming a freelance writer, she taught writing and literature classes at the college level. You can find her on Facebook and on Twitter. Her work has appeared on HuffPost, Scary Mommy, Babble, Buzzfeed, The Mighty, among others.