Every year I do this cute thing where I make a New Year’s resolution and then immediately forget about it until the following year when I make the exact same resolution all over again. It’s not that I don’t want to go to the gym or stop binge eating snacks at three o’clock in the morning.
It’s just that, well, I’m a busy mom, with a short attention span, and and and … I am just chock-full of excuses. The truth is, like most parents, I am making these adorably optimistic resolutions at 11:55PM on NYE when I’m delirious with exhaustion (and slightly buzzed) and hardly even remember making them.
Luckily, the hilarious parents of Twitter are keeping it real, as always, and reminding us that we aren’t the only ones giving up on our resolutions before January is even over.
1. Let’s be honest:
4-year-old: What's a resolution?
Me: It's something you promise to do
4: And then you do it?
Me: No. You forget about it two weeks later.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) January 3, 2017
2. Some of us just set the bar really, really low:
Pretty psyched to get back in the gym on January 2 for my yearly workout!
— Andrew Knott (@aknott21) December 28, 2016
3. Or don’t bother to make resolutions at all (Yum!):
Friends on Facebook posting pics of their healthy New Year's resolution diet plan meals & I'm all pic.twitter.com/iLkzT0zSey
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) January 9, 2017
4. Kids make it so hard:
UPDATE: My wife's resolution to yell at the kids less this year has just taken a very bad turn.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) January 1, 2017
5. Did I say, “Hard”? I meant “Impossible”:
My New Year's resolution was to have more patience but, thanks to my kids, I broke that within 5 minutes of the New Year.
— 🎄Sarcastic Mommy🎄 (@sarcasticmommy4) January 3, 2017
6. It’s easy to think of resolutions for other people though:
Trying to come up with a New Year's resolution, but so far I can only think of things my kids need to work on.
— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) December 29, 2015
7. Especially for our significant others:
New Year Resolutions
Learn where dishes go in the kitchen
(Thanks to my wife for giving me these)
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) December 31, 2016
8. But most of us just like our goodies too much to give up on them:
I hearby resolve to….wait, is that the good wine I like? On sale, you say? Yeah, pour me some, will ya? Is there any candy left? Please…
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) January 1, 2016
9. And being productive just sounds bor-ing:
New Year's Goal: Get my house organized.
Actual accomplishment: Make snacks and teach my kids how to flush a public toilet with their foot.
— Meredith (@PerfectPending) January 4, 2016
10. This just sounds like she’s #WINNING
First week of the New Year is in the books and I've gained 5 pounds so my diet's going well, thanks.
— SammichesPsychMeds (@SamPsychMeds) January 7, 2017
11. So maybe it’s best to stick to realistic goals.
I was going to resolve to stop saying stupid things in 2016 but then I realized I wasn't ready to take a vow of silence.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) December 30, 2015
12. Or just come to terms with the fact that it was NEVER GONNA HAPPEN:
Well, we had a good run.
-me, to my New Year's resolutions
— Karen Johnson (@21stcenturysahm) January 16, 2017
Don’t worry… no one else kept theirs either.
Lauren Lodder earned her BA from UC Berkeley and her MA from CSUF. Before becoming a freelance writer, she taught writing and literature classes at the college level. You can find her on Facebook and on Twitter. Her work has appeared on HuffPost, Scary Mommy, Babble, Buzzfeed, The Mighty, among others.