You know that little sidebar on FB that shows you all the trending topics from that day? Well, sometimes I look at it, and sigh to myself at all the bad news. But, what if, just once, you saw something you liked. Something that could make your heart skip a beat, and even better, convince you that maybe you do have this parenting thing figured out.
But, since that’s probably not going to happen, let’s pretend for one minute that the parenting miracle you’re dreaming of actually does happen, so it’s got to make the trending news. Here are a few examples of fake news for parents that I would literally pay money to see trending in my own life.
Two siblings play happily together. Mom isn’t sure what to do with herself. Since mom rarely sees sibling bliss happen anymore, she decides to sit on the couch and stare blankly at the wall directly across from her. She enjoys not having to break up a single fight about who gets the blue cup, or who actually left the milk out.
6 year old manages to find his own shoe. Family is actually on time somewhere. In a surprising turn of events, said child actually lifted something up in his messy bedroom and found the shoe all by himself under a pile of discarded lego men heads. He puts it on, and runs up to his mom declaring, “I’m ready to go and I don’t even need to poop!”
Mom is able to think straight while children are in the same house. She’s able to complete a task, write and email, or talk on the phone for 3.8 minutes without fight club breaking out. She celebrates by having a completed thought and actually remembering a deadline on time.
Parents get eight hours of uninterrupted sleep. For one blissful night, no one called the parents from the other room to say, I’m hungry at 2 am, or remind mom that they needed to read a book about leopards for the school book report due tomorrow. Parents wake up actually feeling refreshed, and not hating their family before coffee.
Teenagers room stays clean for 24 hours straight. Family members are actually not afraid to walk in there, either. There are no crusty plates, or hidden wrappers behind furniture, and there is also not a mysterious smell coming from the closet either. Teenager even has a place to do homework for once – his desk.
Parents go out to eat with their kids and everyone still likes each other afterward. Parents are able to talk because no one is screaming and trying to hide under the table, and not a single kid asks to poop as soon as the meal is placed on the table. Parents almost consider having another child because of this miracle but remind themselves that would be insane, and stick to the three they already have.
Mom takes kids to do something fun, no one complains. After a fun trip to the children’s museum, no one cries when it’s time to leave, or begs for a single item from the gift shop. When kids get in the car, they say, “Thanks mom for always taking us to do fun stuff!” instead of “I wish you would have taken us to the bounce house place instead.”
Family goes on vacation and no one gets sick. For four whole days, everyone is well. No one throws up on vacation, says, “My throat hurts” or even gets a headache. Everyone relaxes and has fun.
Kids stay up past bedtime, but still sleep in. Parents wake up to the sounds of birds chirping outside instead of waking up to the sound of someone crying in the next room. They feel rested, and think they might actually be able to function without caffeine.
Kid remembers project well before the night before. Parent and child work together without tears, and complete the project on time without fighting.
Toddler does not get out of bed when he’s put in it. Instead, he says, “night night mommy.” smiles and goes to sleep. He does not get up to ask you to go to Target tomorrow to buy his favorite cereal, or ask for a refill of his water cup. Instead, he smiles, rolls over and doesn’t make another sound.
Mom doesn’t lose it getting her kids ready for school. Everyone wakes up in a good mood, gets dressed, and does not get distracted with a toy they found under their bed from three years ago. Instead, children make it to bed on time while mom didn’t even have to yell, “YOU DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!”
Children go shopping with mom and don’t beg for anything. While mom casually strolls up and down her favorite store (Target, of course) children are content just looking around. They don’t touch anything they’re not supposed to, and don’t ask for a single thing. Mom is able to remember everything on her list.
Mom slaves over dinner, and everyone eats it and says, thank you. No one spends time trying to pick out tiny black specks (also known as pepper) out of their casserole, or complaining that anything is too spicy. Instead, everyone eats their food, and remembers to tell mom thank you, too.
While I don’t expect any of these fake news for parents to happen anytime soon at my house, I wish you the best of luck at yours. Meanwhile, I’ll resume my normal routine of listening to kids beg for stuff, and trying to deep breathe my way through the morning routine.