I was definitely a jerk before I became a mother. By jerk, I mean I was that friend who sat comfortably in her child-free tower telling all her friends who already had children how I was going to do things when I joined their exclusive mom club. They probably had a group text going behind my back about how annoying, naïve, and stupid I was.
Really Jen? That’s what you say now. Wait until you actually have the child before you raise and plan his life. I’m sure they all shouted “I TOLD YOU SO” from the rooftops or at least from their couches while they got a few minutes of peace because the children are in front of screens, something I, of course, would never do when I became a parent.
Six months into motherhood and my son is chilling in his Baby Bjorn chair, watching Daniel Tiger. What? He loved the colors and the songs. And mommy needed to take a shower. Screens are just so much easier with the free babysitting, easier travel and more time to stay in bed in the morning. I preached only organic too, yet I make Kraft mac and cheese like the best of them.
So when I became a mother, I didn’t just realize I was that jerk, I also realized I had become a huge hypocrite. And as my son moved from infancy to toddlerhood to his current stage of threenager, I continue to live in hypocrisy, as the rules I set for him obviously differ than the ones I follow myself. I’m sorry for being a jerk. Truly.
Here are 10 ways becoming a mom turned me into a hypocrite:
What I say: “Eat your vegetables because they are so good for you.” What I actually do: Call for Chinese food and order chicken and vegetable lomein, no vegetables, and chicken and broccoli, but I don’t touch the broccoli.
What I say: “We do not eat ice cream before dinner.” What I actually do: An hour later I’m eating a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Tonight Dough for dinner.
What I say: “We never eat in bed before bedtime.” What I do: Eat said pint of Ben & Jerry’s before bedtime. In my bed.
What I say: “Mommy goes to bed when it’s her bedtime too. What I do: Stay up until 3AM because I have just one more episode of Stranger Things left.
What I say: “We don’t say we don’t like others.” What I do: Text a close friend that I don’t like someone in our music class who looks at me like I’ve lost my mind.
What I say: “Don’t say those words. Those are potty words. We only say those words in the bathroom.” What I do: Swear out loud when my child tells me he has to go potty after I’ve put him in bed and he just went to the bathroom five minutes ago.
What I say: “You have to share with friends. We always share.” What I do: Hide in my bedroom eating a very large brownie because I don’t want to share my brownie with my child.
What I say: “No, you cannot have a snack in your bed before nap. We do not eat in bed.” What I do: Eat pretzels and hummus in my bed and watch a movie while my kid naps.
What I say: “We always get dressed when we wake up in the morning for school. No, we don’t wear our pajamas to school.” What I do: Drop my kid off in the same clothes I just slept in. No, they aren’t pajamas.
What I say: “We don’t yell. You do not yell at me or daddy. Yelling is not nice. I’m not doing anything for you while you are yelling. Use your inside voice.” What I do: Yell, “STOP YELLING! I’M NOT YELLING. I’M JUST TELLING YOU ABOUT THE RULE!”
What do you do that makes you a hypocrite now that you’re a mom?