I am a tired mom by day and a super tired mom who still can’t fall the eff to sleep by night.
Because, along with 30 to 50% of other Americans, I am affected by this terrible, awful thing called Insomnia.
Every night, after putting my kids to bed, I curl up next to my sleeping husband and lie wide awake. My body is saying, “Go to sleep!” but my overactive brain is saying, “Let’s imagine a bunch of worst-case-scenarios and replay them, over and over again, until the sun comes up, k?”
Insomnia sucks, y’all. It really does.
Luckily, the parents of Twitter are here to remind us that a lot of us have sleep challenges and that, sometimes, laughter really does make the best medicine.
1. This is a fun game.
Why sleep when you can go over and over the hundred million mistakes you've made in your life
— Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) April 29, 2015
2. Did I say, “fun”? I clearly meant terrible.
Me: Ah, it's time to relax.
Anxiety: Or — just thinking out loud here — what if we ran through various unpleasant hypothetical situations over and over again?
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) January 22, 2018
3. At least my insomnia gives me time to think about every bad decision I’ve ever made ever.
"I woke up at like 3am and couldn't go back to sleep – I just kept thinking about all the great life choices I have made!" – no one ever.
— Eliza Skinner (@elizaskinner) February 7, 2011
4. And overanalyze everything I’ve ever said.
Logic: "Just apologize and explain yourself and everything will be alright."
Anxiety: "LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID!"
— Marlebean (@Marlebean) October 20, 2016
5. And my insomnia and anxiety get to spend some time together.
Insomnia, meet anxiety. You two chat, I'll just be lying here opening my eyes every 8 seconds to confirm I haven't spontaneously gone blind.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) August 20, 2014
6. That extra meal I get in the middle of the night is pretty cool.
"How To Eat Random Items In Your Fridge Because You Can't Sleep Because Every Day That Passes Is Another Your Dreams Die: A Cookbook."
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) January 31, 2016
7. I have all sorts of time to read and play with my phone and stress about not falling asleep.
Time for bed!
*watches more tv*
Definitely sleepy now
Okay, I'm going, I'm in bed.
NEVERMIND ON THE SLEEP THING
— Emily Heller (@MrEmilyHeller) August 23, 2014
8. And see things no one else gets to see because I am the only one awake.
A benefit of not being able to sleep is sipping tea and petting the cat while seeing someone do the walk of shame from the neighbor's house.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) May 20, 2012
9. It would be nice if my family appreciated all this work.
It's like no one in my family appreciates that I stayed up all night overthinking for them.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) August 23, 2017
10. And if they never ever mentioned how much sleep they get, that’d be great.
Nothing prepared me for the marital rage I'd feel inside after my husband just said "I can't believe how tired I am after 14 hours of sleep"
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) March 21, 2016
11. Especially since I will be tired all day.
A haiku about getting out of bed this morning:
No no no no no.
No no no no no no no.
No no no no no.
— Cat Food Breath (@CatFoodBreath) February 18, 2018
12. Most of the things coming out of my mouth will be nonsensical.
I'm so tired I don't even know if the words in my brain match the words coming out of my mouth.
— SammichesPsychMeds (@SamPsychMeds) March 20, 2015
13. And I might be a wee bit bitter at all those well-rested people.
What do you call it when you're happy to have peace & quiet in the morning but mad that everyone gets to sleep in?
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) June 23, 2015
14. Because this is how I will look today.
tfw you get a solid 4.5 hours of broken sleep and have to pretend like everything's okay 🙃 pic.twitter.com/I2fElOGYIe
— JCole (@jcole_96) March 4, 2016
15. Pretty sure the bags under my eyes have bags of their own.
If you look closely at the circles around a mother's eyes, you can count how many years she's lived without sleep.
— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) August 30, 2017
16. How many more hours until bedtime?
"I pretty much spend all day, every day looking forward to going back to sleep at the end of the day."
— Unspoken Words ⛄️ (@myunwrittensoul) October 23, 2017
17. Maybe I’ll sneak a nap in.
Starts TO DO list.
1. Take nap.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) December 6, 2016
18. Or discover a time machine.
If I had a time machine i'd just use it to keep going back and getting some more sleep
— Harry Dunkirk News (@StylesMovieNews) September 28, 2016
19. Tonight I’ll try to get to bed earlier.
"It's 5 o'clock somewhere," she said, going to bed.
— maura "jack and biz must be nazis" quint (@behindyourback) September 14, 2015
20. If only I can stay asleep.
Me: I'm exhausted. I just need sleep.
3 AM Anxiety: Let's make lists!
— Meredith (@PerfectPending) December 7, 2017
Here’s hoping I actually fall asleep and stay asleep tonight.
Lauren Lodder earned her BA from UC Berkeley and her MA from CSUF. Before becoming a freelance writer, she taught writing and literature classes at the college level. You can find her on Facebook and on Twitter. Her work has appeared on HuffPost, Scary Mommy, Babble, Buzzfeed, The Mighty, among others.